Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’m sorry…what?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?