@themiltron: Oh, you’re a ceiling fan? Name three ceilings.
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@BromanConsul: My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
@sumpeoplelikeit: The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
@blaha_Who: [1st Date] Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me... Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
@AnkCoupleTO: [coming out of coma] Doc: You survived the heart attack Me: I'm going to eat right & get fit D: *shows me hospital bill* M: *pulls plug*