Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.