Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.