My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu