@kcmoore51: Oh you're in the shower? Here's the seven worst songs from your playlist.
- shuffle mode
@imadepoopstoday: Excuse me, but I feel like your eyebrows owe me an apology.
@JermHimselfish: I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.
@thenatewolf: Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement?
Me: I don't have a basement
*sound of foghorn from basement*
@The_GetawayGirl: I'm only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
@jwalkonthemoon: When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.