@2questionable: Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you're both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won't go to sleep.

@jake_likes_naps: Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

@KissabiX: [during sex] Me: yeah, you like that? Him: mmhmm yeah Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?

@Brampersandon_: "Sir u have a hernia" "Haha c'mon doc don't u mean a HISnea?" "No I meant hern-" "Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?"

@LoneWolfStories: It's like my fridge sends texts inviting all my friends over the moment I fill it up.