“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Wait a minute…
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.