“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Awwwww shit.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
yea so i messed up lol
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
his wife is probably gonna see that