Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
the official breakfast of 2021
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
How animals would run if they were human
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.