ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.