“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef