“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂