Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
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The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.