Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.