I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My plans: 2020:
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
It’s the weekend y’all
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?