ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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Why couldn鈥檛 the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i鈥檚.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil鈥檚 illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan鈥檚 even lazier
cousin.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you鈥檙e still too drunk from Thursday! 馃嵒
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you鈥檙e a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don鈥檛 come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 馃槀馃槀
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.