ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Fluff me with a fork baby
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.