OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Never forget.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.