OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.