“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
umm…
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!