@brunopieroni: "Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein." — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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@CakeThrottle: [Interview with a time traveller] "What's life like in the year 3000?" It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
@ilovepie84: "Jesus take the wheel" -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
@truegritrumble: (First Day as Mailman) ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup? BOSS: You're supposed to deliver those. ME: No.