ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video