JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Does this dress make me look cat?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave