“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.