@sofarrsogud: Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom. Now she's more like a possum. She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

@ShesARealGenius: Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@trentistweeting: [staff meeting] PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it? [Jim slowly raises his hand]

@Just_A_Kenyan: 100 Ways to contact me; 1. Call me. 2. Tweet me. 3. Txt me.... 95.Drums and smoke signals 100.Facebook

@JasonLastname: The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.