@Carbosly: That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you're so lazy you think "Meh, whatever. I had a good run."

@Brohamulet: I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn't really work otherwise.

@sarousti: Definition of Insomnia: Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it's gone

@Underchilde: One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.

@daplusk: "AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE! Oh good, now it is snowing" - If I lived in a snow globe.