ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
True freaking story!
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….