Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*