ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old