Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]