Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]