@Ideal_Victoria: Ok, seriously men... You can't hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you're suddenly wide awake?!
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@brendohare: Here's my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: "This will make me famous but not for long"
@HatfieldAnne: Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight. Me: So you want less Tarantino... H: ...and more Seuss. M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
@dafloydsta: [first date] ME: I'm having a great time HER: I'm not ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don't even let my dog in here, Janet