OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
You Might Also Like
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side