“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
my name if I was in the mob
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak