[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again