Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”