If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
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Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️