I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?