“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
me
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁