“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Bruh PLEASE
Ape together strong
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
U talkin 2 me?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.