Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
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When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
only 11 steps left
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine