BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.