mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
You Might Also Like
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
stand with me against insufficient seating
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky