Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
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I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk