The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
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the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake