@timdonakowski: Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don't know about you but I've never, ever washed my belt.
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@claudiaa_haleyy: I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
@jergarl: Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY.. Wife: Fridge. M: Shoe? W: Fridge. M: How did you.. W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge. M:... W: Idiot.
@amselts: After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance "The Human" by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet