@timdonakowski: Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don't know about you but I've never, ever washed my belt.
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@daemonic3: Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@slackmistress: Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
@msdanifernandez: Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
@Notoliviasteel: DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.