Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
New menu item
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.