Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top