Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
groan^2
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.