Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Meow
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.