Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
You Might Also Like
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]