Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.