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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣