Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
huge if true: the moon
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.