old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.