Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
584.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.