[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.