older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I have a new favorite meme page
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
barbara was highly relatable
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming