My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash